l'esprit d'escalier

I asked god for a sign

Tonight my friend was in town from Telluride. Everytime she is in town, we have a party to celebrate her being in town - don't ask me, I don't know. I've been in town for years and no one throws me a freakin' party.

Anyway, I'm having a little bit of a hard time (I'm sure you are too polite to notice the desperation in my previous posts), so I tell god (whom I haven't spoken to in a good long time) that I really need a sign. By the end of the night, I've run into an old flame who tells me that he is seperated from his wife, my buddy who is playing in the band announces that it is his birthday and he would like a spanking (he offers to let me use his belt - Yikes!), and I run into Transition Man who asks me if he could take me out again.

My friends in attendance start rattling off quotes from "He's Just Not That into You" and tell me that I absolutely cannot go out with him the first time he asks. I can, however, go out with him if he asks a second time. This sounds to me like the super-scary book "The Rules." I attempt to be completely noncommittal telling him to give me a call, and we'll see. Did god give me a sign or am I just reading too much into things?

I also pissed off several people tonight as often my inner censor does not work as fast as my big mouth:

Example #1 - I have a guy friend who is a great guy friend, but kind of a lousy boyfriend with a reputation for liking both the back door and video tape. At the party, he is accused of not having a heart. A debate insues. One of my best, good girlfriends says "R., you have a heart, don't you? You would be sad if I died tomorrow, wouldn't you?" R. doesn't say anything, so I say, "sure he'd be sad if you died. He hasn't f***ed you up the a**, has he?" Everyone dies laughing as this is a perfect joke for this guy. I even feel a little bad as so many people have cracked up at my zinger. I'm obviously an asshole.

Example #2 - Later in the evening, we go to our girlfriend's bar. She is recently engaged and happy as hell with a gorgeous ring. We repeat the story to her of the zinger described above, but her son, who works in her restaurant as a server, walks up as I finish the story. Friend is mortified that I have talked about sex - the gross kind, especially - in front of her barely 21 yoa son. I apologize, not realizing that this has always mortified her and am kind of feeling like an ass again even though everyone at the table who knows R. is totally cracking up about the zinger.

What is a girl to do? I know that I have a potty mouth. I don't swear in front of preachers, small children, or my parents. Can a girl not talk trash at a party or at a bar? AuntieT has crossed the line (but, holy cow, it was funny).

posted by Anonymous @ 4/23/2005 11:32:00 PM

I Stole This from Jameson

Jameson posted this disturbing list of advice for women with his comments added. I've added my own.

1. "Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot."
Jameson - Find a guy with a large vocabulary, preferably sober.
AuntieT - Find a guy who calls you.

2. "who calls you back when you hang up on him"
Jameson - Who is so whipped that you have destroyed any other friendships that he might have had to fill his time.
AuntieT - Don’t be a bitch and hang up on him.

3. "who will stay awake just to watch you sleep."
Jameson - Who has a nasty problem with stalking, maybe even necrophilia.
AuntieT - Who will stay awake because he is making sweet love to you all night long.

4. "Wait for the boy who kisses your forehead and your hand"
Jameson - Wait for grandpa, from the sounds of it.
AuntieT - . . . and your mouth, and your neck, and your stomach, and your. . .

5. "who wants to show you off to the world even when you are in your sweatpants"
Jameson - Who wants to show you off to the world when you have 5 kids in a trailer and can't fit into anything but sweatpants, and whos wardrobe consists of nothing but ripped jeans and wifebeaters.
AuntieT - Who wants to show you off to the world but would just as soon stay home and get you out of your sweatpants.

6. "who holds your hand in front of his friends"
Jameson - And by friends, what you really mean is "who holds your hand" because a) girls love mushy shit, and b) who doesn't have any friends, because your insistance of being with him 24-7 has destroyed all of his friends' respect for him as a man, leading to no friends.
AuntieT – who plays footsie with you under the table when you are out drinking

7. "who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on."
Jameson - Because he's drunk.
AuntieT - but doesn’t complain when you take 15 minutes to put your makeup on before you go out.

8. "Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you"
Jameson - Wait for the one who constantly calls you and writes you love letters......IN BLOOD.
AuntieT - Wait for the one who doesn’t have to be constantly reminded to pay his bills and clean up after himself.

9."and how lucky he is to have you"
Jameson - In his basement.
AuntieT - and he is lucky because he is from Ireland and he has an accent and he is tall with red hair and drinks Guinness

10. "Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "That's her."
Jameson - Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...That's her, that's the bitch who ruined my social life and makes me watch Sex and the City with her friends. I have no balls."
AuntieT - Wait for the one who turns to you because you are his friend or because he just woke up and wants to tell you good morning (in his special way).

posted by Anonymous @ 4/14/2005 08:04:00 PM

Send Crossworld Puzzles

Fend Off Dementia with Sex, Crosswords and a Run

CANBERRA (Reuters) - Sex, cryptic crosswords and a good run could help ward off dementia and other degenerative conditions by stimulating new brain cells, an Australian researcher said Thursday.

Perry Bartlett, a professor at the University of Queensland's Brain Institute, said mental and physical exercise helped create and nurture new nerve cells in the brain, keeping it functional and warding off diseases such as Alzheimer's and Parkinson's.

"Perhaps one should run a long distance and do the cryptic crossword, " Bartlett told Australian radio.

He said a chemical called prolactin appeared to promote new cells in the brain and could be found in high levels in pregnant women.

"Prolactin levels also go up during sex as well. So one could think of a number of more entertaining activities than running in order to regulate the production of nerve cells," Bartlett said.

Why can't watching cable and eating dark chocolate or asian food fend off dementia? I read my ass off - does that count for anything?

There is no way I'm going running, and I think everyone within hearing range knows that I'm ridiculously single right now, so send crosswords! Maybe a subscription to the NY Times. (or maybe just Highlights.)

Another option is to just embrace my demetia: all of my bad memories would just fade out, I could be a shit to all of the people who truly deserve it, and maybe I would forget to eat and lose some weight. Then I could meet some cute elderly man with dementia, start having sex again, and my dementia would go away! I would have a cute little old boyfriend and be thin! Whoo-hoo!

posted by Anonymous @ 4/07/2005 10:29:00 AM